Sometimes...I jus' wanna escape into my bubble...and jus' hide. Of course...people could still see the shiny bubble...but i'm hoping it'll be a heavier shade of translucence...so all that they would be able to distinguish would be a vaguely humanoid figure...trying to hide...
Imagine...you get to reap the benefits of being a hermit...without having to go without your daily comforts that only can be found in the city. I believe I would have the foresight to install one of those sliding window things in my bubble...kind of like those fast-food restaurant plastic window panels for drive-throughs in very very dangerously ghetto areas. I can just imagine my bubble pulling up to a Jack in the Box, and synchronizing my window opening with that of the bored lady at the cashier window...
Why be a hermit in the first place? Because sometimes...you just get the feeling that everyone in the whole world hates your guts...'cept for a select few people...okay...maybe a select many people. But still...you never know whether the person smiling at you while you walk by will, as soon as your back is facing them, start summoning little green froggy slug-monsters to steal your shorts and eat your spare change right out of your wallet.
Thus, the bubble. Although, sometimes bubbles are a nuisance...as you do have insure them against bees and little boys running around with scissors. All that purchasing of insurance is a lotta paper work. Yet...at the end of the day...when you find yourself being bounced off cars like a pachinko machine as you try to jaywalk across a busy thoroughfare...it ends up being all worth it...
So...the next time you see a giant bubble walking along the street...or sitting next to you while sipping a strawberry shake from Jack...i'm prolly inside trying to hide from you...
I just Googled myself, and my new realization is......my name is too common.
I feel whiny today. I want to do something.
I'm like fly paper. Things get stuck on me too easily. Bah.
I'm annoyed that the library is closed today. I want to read books.
Humbug. I'm hoping if I say that enuff, I'll get visited by 3 ethereal beings...it seems like it'll be fun. Oh. Humbug. I just realized that I'm a day too late.
We're so used to spending our time studying and attending classes that once break hits...we don't know what to do with our free time. We jus' laze around the house and bemoan that there's nothing to do. Especially since nobody is around...boo.
I think I played over 10 Go games today already...(Go is the Asian strategic game involving black and white stones and 19 x 19 spaced board.)
Do you have that fear in the back of your head that one day people will see through your front and discover that you actually have no ability or talent...that you are merely a charlatan?
And on a completely different thought. I've seen near perfection...or as close to a semblance of perfection as you would be able to get in this temporary world of mediocrity, among the imperfections of human everyday life. We know that everything tangible has some flaw or another (it being part of our existence), but this one seems to have hardly any major flaws, though a few minor ones here and there so far. And I still am amazed that I was given the opportunity to have our life-paths intertwine, even if it may be only for a few moments more. I am dreading the day when it comes time to part...realizing...that perhaps our paths may never cross again. I am hoping it won't be until many many years later, but hope doesn't always translate into reality. When that time comes, it will signal the advent of bittersweet memories...knowing that near-perfection was so close...yet untouchable.
So.,,day 3 of break in Jon's Winter Break Series...
This morning...i woke up and created a piano peice i call..."Discord"...it's the type of music you hear in a psycho-thriller movie...when the crazy man is in the house stalking the victim...the peice was so powerful that it made my sister anxious and depressed, and caused her to have a hard time breathing...seriously...it caused a physical reaction...ask her yourself...
Then we went shopping for groceries...i think my mom is prolly like the only person who does some of her personal shopping at a restaurant wholesaler...everyone else was carting big boxes of supplies off in their trucks and SUVs...and my mom is like buying only one or two bags of oysters...we also bought some frogs amongst some of the other things at another market...it was neat seeing the frogs sitting there in their case...also at the same market, i learned how the people working behind the seafood counter kill fish and things...turns out they bash the fish in with a baseball bat...that was...interesting...to say the least...
I told my mom I knew how to sing, "The moon represents my heart," a Chinese pop song from like way back when...it made her happy. Partly because it means i still know my Chinese, and partly 'cause I'm expressing an interest in her era I guess. But it is a nice lovely song.
So I'm back in SoCal now. My break started yesterday. It had a great start! A nice stroll and a wonderful lunch with a wonderful person in the late morning, and then Chronicles of Narnia in a private theatre at night. Yesterday and the day before that was such a high; now i'm in withdrawal again...boo.
Even though I had a final on Monday, it was the best 7 hours of studying ever! I dunnos, call me crazy, but maybe I would trade a day of break for those 7 hours again.
There are so many things to pursue...but many times...you actually need to realize that there is no use in pursuing them. Some things just won't happen. We live in a reality of limited resources...you only have so much time, energy, money, effort, etc. And so you need to pick and choose, what things are worth going after and what things are not. But the problem is, in the same reality...there is imperfect information. Sometimes you just can't possibly know for sure what to pursue and what not to pursue. What if you think you should give up on something, and it turns out that you were just an iota away from obtaining it? What a tragedy that would be. But similarily, what if you thought you could obtain something, and you end up going after it your whole life, only to find out at the end that it was never possible? What a waste.
It also compounds the problem too that, since we were children, we had been taught that perseverence is a virtue and that no matter what, one should never give up, but endure until the end. How many people have heeded that advice with unflagging conviction, only to find out that in the end, there are things that you need to give up pursuing. Because, the truth is, that for some people, some things just are not obtainable, not in this lifetime...not ever. And no matter how much time you have already invested, wake up and realize that those are sunk costs; they should not enter into your rational decision as to whether you should continue on the same path.
But I digress.
Sometimes, you may just end up having to settle for what's in front of you. You could always try to pursue after the better things, but you don't know if the probability of obtaining it is 0% or 100%. You could always rationalize that you can take the expected value, but how do you value what you have now and compare it to something you haven't obtained yet? For all you know, your valuation of the thing not obtained could be drastically biased, especially since you have not experienced it yet. Other people may say things, but in the end, for many things, the actual value will vary depending on how you relate to it, not how others relate to it. Who knows, maybe your endeavors will eventually lead to fruition, and you may become the happiest person...or you may just end up wasting your time and effort. Who knows?
God.
He knows. So in the end, it always comes back to trusting Him. Sometimes its just frustrating, because I am just here waiting...and waiting. And I see what I think I want, and I want to pursue, but I can't, because I'm limited. Limited by the path I chose to walk. And perhaps that is a salvation to me, because if I wasn't limited, I may probably just be burned even more. But then sometimes I wonder...what if? But I know I just need to trust Him, because He knows best. And no matter how recalcitrant I am, He loves His children, no matter how disobedient. Even if I've been away from Him for most of my days, even if I have squandered the riches I had been given, He's waiting out in the field for my return, to run to me and fall upon my neck. He's just waiting for me to turn. But sometimes I harden my heart and refuse to turn, for no good reason, just because.
Lord, break me, subdue me.
Yes, it's that time of the year again...i love finals week...aside from the studying and taking tests, it's actually quite fun since we have an unrestricted schedule...which is also why i'm writing this at the time i am writing it...yup...i'll prolly wake up tomorrow around 2 PM or so...most likely 12, cuz my tummy will be hungry and will wake me up...
I jus' watched King Arthur, the one with Clive Owen and Kiera Knightley...i can't believe people said that it wasn't that great when it first came out...i personally thought it was very moving, even from the beginning...i bet people must've been disappointed prolly cuz they went in thinkin' it was gonna be about the fantasy King Arthur...but i thought this particular take on it, as historical fiction, was very intriguing...although i couldn't quite understand why Arthur chose to fight the Saxons in the end, unless it was 'cuz he identified with the people of Britain...too bad the happy ending is ruined 'cuz we know that eventually the Saxons do reinvade and do end up wiping out the original Brits...but overall, a great use of 2 hours...